The should-loop ...

I have a friend dealing with writer's block. He's an excellent writer (at least in my opinion), but he's having issues getting himself going. He also struggles with adult ADD, so that doesn't help either. His latest blog is, in fact, about how he's struggling with writer's block and the vicious circle that creates, with the inability to write feeding into the lack of self-confidence, and the lack of self-confidence feeding into the inability to write. I sympathize with his feelings, as I get mired in the same track myself. 'I should be able to do this by now, but I can't. I must be stupid/lazy/inept/worthless. Now I feel like crap about myself. Why even try to do anything, since I'm not able to do what I should be doing?' When I read his blog, I was compelled to share with him the same thing I've told another friend struggling to learn a foreign language: 'Baby steps.' I told him to stop focusing on what he should be doing, and focus on what he can do. This would help keep him from getting stuck in the self-confidence-sucking should-loop.

After I sent the comment in I started to wonder: Why can I say this to my friends, but when it comes to myself, it doesn't apply? Why are we our own worst critics? I jokingly refer to myself as my friend's French cheerleader. When she gets discouraged and starts talking about how she's 'not getting it' and wants to quit, I am quick to point out how much progress she has actually made. I make her admit all the things she can do now that she couldn't when she started learning the language. I hold up examples of people who haven't made half the progress she has, and are still slogging along, doggedly memorizing things by rote, unable to have even a rudimentary conversation. She generally at least stops threatening to quit, which usually leads to her wanting to start working on the language again. Why can't I do that for myself? Why do I let myself get stuck in the should-loop?

My conclusion is that anyone who has self-esteem issues just isn't equipped to deal with the should-loop. You're too busy beating yourself up to stop and think about what you're doing right. This requires an outside source to say 'Hey, knock it off! You're not stupid/lazy/inept/worthless, you're just having a hard time right now. Look at all this good stuff you've done. You'll get through this, just take it a little bit at a time.' The trick is finding this outside source. Anyone wanna volunteer to be mine? ... Yeah, I didn't think so. I'll keep looking ...

L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home ...

Ok, L.A. isn't really fine, but I couldn't resist the song-lyric quote. Five points if you can tell me what song it's from ...

I actually had a pretty good trip, considering. I ended up being able to attend the French Assembly through the generosity and thoughtfulness of a couple of friends of mine. I have to admit I was a little unsure of how the trip would go. It's always different when you travel with people, and when it's people you haven't traveled with before, you never quite know what's going to happen. I think overall, the trip went pretty well. I managed to keep my foot out of my mouth for the most part, and had a couple of really fun evenings as well.

The Assembly was very good. I was ready on time both days, and I'm betting that surprised my car-group. I know most people assume that I will be the one that makes the group late because of my tendancy toward high-maintenence, but by now I know about how long it will take me and get up early enough to get it all done. I managed to understand quite a bit of most of the talks, and came away with multiple things I need to work on, as usual. Now to see if I can break the pattern of deciding I need to begin doing something and pretty much immediately forgetting about it when I get home. I always sit there with the best of intentions, saying "Ok, I'm going to start _____" and then I get home, get caught back up in my life, and don't do whatever it is. I guess we all know where the road goes that's paved with the best of intentions, don't we ...

I really enjoyed both the gathering for us travelling Frenchies, and the night out at the Tapas restaurant. I shouldn't have spent what I did on dinner Saturday, but I really wanted to go out with our little group and have just a bit of fun without counting every single cent. I figured since I hadn't really spent any money on dinner the night before, I'd just spend what it would have cost me for both nights all at once. I even let myself have some Starbucks on the way home Sunday since I hadn't exceeded the budget I'd set for myself. It's really the little things that make such a difference. It was so nice to be out with people, having a great time and not stressing about all my junk going on here in Sac-town.

Now, back to all my junk going on here in Sac-town. Yuck.

Queen of the wafflers ...

Sometimes, I have a hard time making decisions. Or I guess I should say making decisions and sticking to them. I will make a decision and then fret and pick at it, sometimes completely reversing myself. I had an excellent example this last week.

I've known for a couple months that our new C.O. & his wife are people I knew many years ago when I was a child. I was very excited about seeing them again, and so was my friend Brad. We had even cooked up a little plan to extract the maximum amount of fun out of reintroducing ourselves to them. However, a week before we're due to see them, I started thinking. What do you do when you see someone again after years and years? You catch up on their life, what's happened, what they're doing now. Well let's face it, my life right now sucks. I'm seventy-five pounds overweight, still single, and have been unemployed for six months. I don't want to talk about my life with people. So, I decided I wasn't going to go up and reintroduce myself to them after all. Maybe by the time they visit my congregation, I'd have a job and have lost at least a little weight.

The day arrives, and I'm still convinced that I don't want to go say hello. However, by now half the congregation knows that I know our new C.O., and are surprised that I'm not seeking them out. All day I have people asking me if I've said hello yet, and shaking their heads when I say 'No, I'm not going to here.' Wes & Donna are interviewed after lunch, providing some nostalgia and I start to waffle. Yes, I'll go say hello after all. No, I won't. Yes, I will. No, I won't. I'll see them when they come to our Hall. But they'll wonder why I didn't come say hello at the Assembly. On and on. Finally, during the very last talk, I make the decision 'Yes, I'm going to go say hi'. Roz even makes it easier by wanting to go say hello to the visiting couple from Brooklyn, leaving me time to say hello to Wes & Donna without feeling like she's just standing there waiting on me.

I'm so glad I said hello. It was fun and wonderful. Neither of them recognized me, but when I told them who I was they remembered me instantly. They were so excited and happy to see me again, all grown up. Donna even said I was beautiful. I didn't even have to talk about my life except to tell them I lived out here now and am in the French. All that mental spazzing for nothing. I may even put aside my C.O. phobia and ask to work with them or feed them when they're here. Hopefully by then things will have improved enough that I won't go through the same round of mental aerobics I did this first time. However, I can't guarantee that. I still talk myself out of giving answers at the French meetings, and that's less pressure. That's a subject for another ramble, though.