The should-loop ...

I have a friend dealing with writer's block. He's an excellent writer (at least in my opinion), but he's having issues getting himself going. He also struggles with adult ADD, so that doesn't help either. His latest blog is, in fact, about how he's struggling with writer's block and the vicious circle that creates, with the inability to write feeding into the lack of self-confidence, and the lack of self-confidence feeding into the inability to write. I sympathize with his feelings, as I get mired in the same track myself. 'I should be able to do this by now, but I can't. I must be stupid/lazy/inept/worthless. Now I feel like crap about myself. Why even try to do anything, since I'm not able to do what I should be doing?' When I read his blog, I was compelled to share with him the same thing I've told another friend struggling to learn a foreign language: 'Baby steps.' I told him to stop focusing on what he should be doing, and focus on what he can do. This would help keep him from getting stuck in the self-confidence-sucking should-loop.

After I sent the comment in I started to wonder: Why can I say this to my friends, but when it comes to myself, it doesn't apply? Why are we our own worst critics? I jokingly refer to myself as my friend's French cheerleader. When she gets discouraged and starts talking about how she's 'not getting it' and wants to quit, I am quick to point out how much progress she has actually made. I make her admit all the things she can do now that she couldn't when she started learning the language. I hold up examples of people who haven't made half the progress she has, and are still slogging along, doggedly memorizing things by rote, unable to have even a rudimentary conversation. She generally at least stops threatening to quit, which usually leads to her wanting to start working on the language again. Why can't I do that for myself? Why do I let myself get stuck in the should-loop?

My conclusion is that anyone who has self-esteem issues just isn't equipped to deal with the should-loop. You're too busy beating yourself up to stop and think about what you're doing right. This requires an outside source to say 'Hey, knock it off! You're not stupid/lazy/inept/worthless, you're just having a hard time right now. Look at all this good stuff you've done. You'll get through this, just take it a little bit at a time.' The trick is finding this outside source. Anyone wanna volunteer to be mine? ... Yeah, I didn't think so. I'll keep looking ...