Its been about a month since I blogged. Nothing had really moved me to write, and then I had an experience last week. I won't write about the experience itself, but rather something interesting that came out of it.
Part of the experience involved dealing with a man who was rather rude, and he really shouldn't have been. He actually had a good friend of mine in tears, and this bothered me a lot more than I would have thought. I ignored his behavior towards me (he was rude to both of us), but got upset at his behavior towards her. She is young and sweet and a bit naive, but it's a charming naivete (not the kind that makes you want to smack sense into her). A friend of mine expressed it as 'kicking a puppy'. Her response to the man's rudeness made me feel very cynical. She was having a hard time accepting that this man would treat people this way, while I had no problem believing that someone in a 'position of responsibility' would act in such a fashion.
At first, I gave serious consideration to disabusing her of the notion that men in these 'positions of responsibility' wouldn't normally behave like he did, and that must have been an isolated incident. My friend was already making excuses for him as we were pulling out of the driveway, and was seriously worried that people were about to get in trouble due to our accidental disclosure of upcoming events. As I opened my mouth to speak however, something stopped me from sharing some of my many experiences with her. I found myself loath to further shatter the illusions she was still cherishing.
I have noticed since I moved out here that there are some people that I 'pull my punches' with, so to speak. When I am around these gentle souls, instead of saying it like it is no matter how bad it is, I tend to sugar-coat or even omit entirely things I would normally say. I have a strong protective instinct towards those I have accepted as 'friends', and apparently this even extends to protecting them from me. Although I still know 'the truth', I no longer feel that I'm helping them by forcing them to trade their warm and fuzzy view for my colder, more cynical one. I may expect the worst from people, but that doesn't mean they have to.
I recently got back in touch with an old friend from Illinois that I hadn't talked to in about ten years. In the course of our discussion, I told her that I had mellowed. I was still the same person, but a somewhat kinder and more gentle version. I realized as I said it that it really was the truth. Although I know some people in my life right now might contest the 'kind and gentle' label, compared to how I was back in Illinois I'm much changed. Sometimes I wish I could take people from here back there to show them the difference. When I look at things now, I know I'm still somewhat cynical, but at least I've learned over the years to temper the cynicism...
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